What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 22.06.2025 11:11
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
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Would this be the day?
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
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Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
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He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
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We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
My family never makes their pension either.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Who then, do I blame.?
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
But it wasn’t much.
I said to her
What does it mean when a British person says "I can't be asked"?
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
I know ,a lot about trauma.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
I write beautiful poetry .
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
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She loved him until the end.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Comes on , in middle age.
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We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
My life is so biszare .
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
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Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
As i do to all so called friends.?
Im still living with it.
Have husbands and wives ever had a threesome with someone in real life? How did it happen?
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I was 9 years of age.
One cannot live in the past .
I don,t even have a pension.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
He knew the spot.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
I was seconnd youngest,
I was scared of men, in general
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
All the time i was locked up.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
I have no regrets .
I think the readers, may guess!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
This is how, and why children get BPD.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
What did i know ?
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
But, we were locked up after school.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I couldn’t, believe it.
She wouldn,t have been !
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Ive learnt so much.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I was very sick at this time too.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
They are buried together, in the same grave..
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
We were not on the streets..
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
I will be 64.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
I could never make a relationship work though!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
So, i spoilt her more .
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
So whats the point in blame.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
It was going to be , some day.
She found it foreign!.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
She married twice! .
We all went to grammer schools
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
He resisted the act ,that day.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Was to survive, this bastard.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Especially a lifetime of it.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
When she asked me how she looked .
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Put me off passion for life!!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
(And it was in our own minds.)
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Why did i forgive my father ?
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
She was in good health!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
This is soul school!.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
I waited trembling.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I never cut or harmed myself..
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
And i lived it daily.
But ive been too sick for many years..
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.